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...not complaining isn't the same and not being jealous.
[but that isn't the part he knows he needs to focus on. not in the face of a revelation like the one that len's just given him. he'd known, of course, that len cared about him. (or at least had in the time before barry messed everything up.) but he had no idea just how far that went. hadn't wanted to even guess, just in case he was completely wrong.
and now it's laid out in front of him. now, there's no way to pretend that it isn't true. that his feelings weren't echoed, regardless of the words used.
he's on his feet a moment later, lips pressed to len's in a kiss that's equal parts desperation and apologetic. his grip on len tightens all over again, pulling him as close as the man will allow. they may not be able to verbally express their feelings the same way, but the sentiment is still there anyway. still heard and understood.]
I don't want this to be over. But I can't pretend that nothing's changed. I ruined everything when I went back, and now I'm back here again and I'm not the same person I was before. And...this is really not the way I wanted this to go. I'm sorry.
[but that isn't the part he knows he needs to focus on. not in the face of a revelation like the one that len's just given him. he'd known, of course, that len cared about him. (or at least had in the time before barry messed everything up.) but he had no idea just how far that went. hadn't wanted to even guess, just in case he was completely wrong.
and now it's laid out in front of him. now, there's no way to pretend that it isn't true. that his feelings weren't echoed, regardless of the words used.
he's on his feet a moment later, lips pressed to len's in a kiss that's equal parts desperation and apologetic. his grip on len tightens all over again, pulling him as close as the man will allow. they may not be able to verbally express their feelings the same way, but the sentiment is still there anyway. still heard and understood.]
I don't want this to be over. But I can't pretend that nothing's changed. I ruined everything when I went back, and now I'm back here again and I'm not the same person I was before. And...this is really not the way I wanted this to go. I'm sorry.
[Len wasn't expecting the kiss, but he catches Barry as the speedster throws himself at him, and then their lips are pressed together. He's stiff only for a moment, then his lips warm to the kiss, and his arms tighten, bringing Barry in close.
He feels the desperation and affection in the kiss, and yet Barry's still using that word he is starting to hate - "But".
His eyes narrow at Barry, but his arms don't loosen.] What do you want, Barry? You called me to apologize. Did you do that only because you figured I wouldn't forgive you, just to assuage your conscience before you move on? Or do you want me back?
He feels the desperation and affection in the kiss, and yet Barry's still using that word he is starting to hate - "But".
His eyes narrow at Barry, but his arms don't loosen.] What do you want, Barry? You called me to apologize. Did you do that only because you figured I wouldn't forgive you, just to assuage your conscience before you move on? Or do you want me back?
[ He should have been prepared for that. ] Simply because it is not dirty does not mean one is required to use such language. [ The words might not be dirty but they are inelegant and heaven forbid Spock be inelegant, even when kneeling between another's legs, undressed and in the process of preparing them for intercourse. ]
I am going to engage in sexual intercourse with you. Unless you are displeased by my refusal to state it in such coarse terms.
I am going to engage in sexual intercourse with you. Unless you are displeased by my refusal to state it in such coarse terms.
[ Spock is not entirely immune to the tactics of seduction employed by humans in general, and Len specifically in this instance. His eyes darken and he has to look away for a moment. ] Would you rather me actually progress forward and engage in coitus or say those words?
[ His fingers are still slick with lubrication and in an attempt to push Len from his goal, wraps his hand around Len's erection. ]
[ His fingers are still slick with lubrication and in an attempt to push Len from his goal, wraps his hand around Len's erection. ]
Funny, I thought it was a point of pride in you to-- hngh... [He groans as Spock begins to pleasure him more directly] ...to excel in anything you do. [He leans up and kisses Spock sweetly, then settles back onto his elbows] You're completely capable of saying those words and engaging in coitus at the same time, baby.
Indeed, I find satisfaction in achieving excellence in every action I undertake. I simply fail to understand why such words are necessary. [ That kiss is surprisingly sweet and pleasant, something Spock little expects in the midst of a conversation about the word 'fuck.' It makes his face soften slightly. ]
I am not a human infant, as I am sure you are aware. [ He drags his fingers down, skimming over Len's balls to press a finger inside him. ]
I am not a human infant, as I am sure you are aware. [ He drags his fingers down, skimming over Len's balls to press a finger inside him. ]
[Len rewards Spock by allowing his face to go slack, to hum softly with pleasure at the sensation as that warm finger slides into his body. But he's stubborn, as stubborn as any, and he opens his eyes] It'll be arousing to me. Stop half-assing this.
I have never half-assed any situation. It is not in the Vulcan way to do anything less than our best. [ And how rude, to imply otherwise. ] You do not find other terms equally arousing or is it that you desire to hear me say words?
[ Spock might be a Vulcan of immense patience, but most of it is because of training, and when he's been pushed and challenged like so, it tends to slip away from him. So he adds a second finger fairly quickly, scissoring them inside Len to stretch him. ]
[ Spock might be a Vulcan of immense patience, but most of it is because of training, and when he's been pushed and challenged like so, it tends to slip away from him. So he adds a second finger fairly quickly, scissoring them inside Len to stretch him. ]
[Len arches his back with a soft hiss, but if there is any pain he deals with it without complaint. His eyes are slightly narrowed with challenge as he settles again, meeting Spock's dark eyes stubbornly]
I think you telling me you're going to fuck me is fucking hot. Nothing else has that same ring to it.
I think you telling me you're going to fuck me is fucking hot. Nothing else has that same ring to it.
[Len's eyes widen as Spock capitulates, and he leans his head back with a groan, letting his eyes slip closed. He curls his fingers around his own member and strokes, spreading his legs a bit wider]
Oh yeah. You did good, baby, thank you. Now come on... I want to feel your cock inside me.
Oh yeah. You did good, baby, thank you. Now come on... I want to feel your cock inside me.
Edited 2017-01-23 05:37 (UTC)
What I want... [a pause to swallow, and he leans back enough to look properly at len again.] I want to earn you back.
[it's another quiet admission. a conclusion that he'd taken time to work towards. keeping away had helped, of course. but it had also meant he'd had little reason to change his ultimate feelings about all this. as much as he may still care about len, may still love him, things are far more complicated now. he knows it's impossible for them to fall back in to their old patterns again.]
I've done a lot of bad things in the past couple of years. I've hurt a lot of people who really matter to me.
[it may have all been accidental, but he's still the one who's ultimately responsible for it all. if he'd just thought for a few minutes. had just looked beyond his own feelings. changing time has always had unforeseen consequences. he really should've known better.
a sigh, and he scrubs at his face, hand passing through his hair as he finally forces out the last of what he knows he needs to say.]
Len, I love you. I don't think I know how to stop that. But I know I'm not good enough for you. After everything I've done-- You deserve so much better than me.
[it's another quiet admission. a conclusion that he'd taken time to work towards. keeping away had helped, of course. but it had also meant he'd had little reason to change his ultimate feelings about all this. as much as he may still care about len, may still love him, things are far more complicated now. he knows it's impossible for them to fall back in to their old patterns again.]
I've done a lot of bad things in the past couple of years. I've hurt a lot of people who really matter to me.
[it may have all been accidental, but he's still the one who's ultimately responsible for it all. if he'd just thought for a few minutes. had just looked beyond his own feelings. changing time has always had unforeseen consequences. he really should've known better.
a sigh, and he scrubs at his face, hand passing through his hair as he finally forces out the last of what he knows he needs to say.]
Len, I love you. I don't think I know how to stop that. But I know I'm not good enough for you. After everything I've done-- You deserve so much better than me.
You...what?
[Len stares at him, utterly flabbergasted. And perhaps that's the true tragedy of this pairing, because Barry might not think he's good enough for Len, but that's ridiculous, because Len is certain that he's nowhere near good enough for Barry.
To hear him say something so utterly amazing, just floors Len completely, and he's left silent and staring for a long while.
When he finally responds, his voice is low and quiet]
You're insane. Come back to me.
[Len stares at him, utterly flabbergasted. And perhaps that's the true tragedy of this pairing, because Barry might not think he's good enough for Len, but that's ridiculous, because Len is certain that he's nowhere near good enough for Barry.
To hear him say something so utterly amazing, just floors Len completely, and he's left silent and staring for a long while.
When he finally responds, his voice is low and quiet]
You're insane. Come back to me.
[his head drops to rest against len's shoulder, face hidden as he tries to purposely keep his expression out of view. he's not getting it, and barry has no idea how to explain himself further. how to make len understand that, yes, he wants to do exactly as he asked. he wants to go back and pretend that things are how they used to be before he went back. but it'd all be a lie right now. he owes the other man too much to just dump everything on him later down the line.]
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to leave. But I can't just-- You need to know who I am now before you let me back in.
[he needs to know what kind of person barry is now, because he's changed. and not for the better.]
I don't want you to regret taking me back.
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to leave. But I can't just-- You need to know who I am now before you let me back in.
[he needs to know what kind of person barry is now, because he's changed. and not for the better.]
I don't want you to regret taking me back.
[The part of Len that's still reeling from this conversation doesn't care, but he tells that part to shut up. He doesn't want to regret it either]
Ok. Well it seems to me that I can't really get who you are now unless we spend time together. Why don't you start by telling me what you did that was so bad?
Ok. Well it seems to me that I can't really get who you are now unless we spend time together. Why don't you start by telling me what you did that was so bad?
[for a long time, there's no reaction. no response given because he doesn't know where to start. the past few years have been a mess all round. between reverse flash, zoom, and savitar, he knows he could easily pass the blame off to the three of them. knows that each problem has followed in the wake of the one before. but he also knows that, ultimately, he is the one to blame for it all. he's the one who made each and every bad decision that led them to where they are now.]
Can we go back to the Gallery first?
[it's a quiet request, but one borne from the fact that the gallery is still one of the few places in the city he can be himself in. where he doesn't have to put on an act.
it's still home.]
Can we go back to the Gallery first?
[it's a quiet request, but one borne from the fact that the gallery is still one of the few places in the city he can be himself in. where he doesn't have to put on an act.
it's still home.]
[The request is a relief. Barry is coming home to him. Maybe it won't last, but at least he does want to come back.
Len nods and braces himself for one of Barry's speed runs.]
Yeah. It's been quiet there lately. Having you there will liven the place up again.
Len nods and braces himself for one of Barry's speed runs.]
Yeah. It's been quiet there lately. Having you there will liven the place up again.
[between one moment and the next, the two of them are back at the gallery, and it's only the chill of the streets outside that reminds him of the fact that he's only wearing his pajamas. which is why, after a brief apologetic look, he's moving them again. it's the living room of len's apartment that serves as their final destination, and he doesn't waste any time in finding a blanket for himself that he ends up tugging around himself once he's sat on the sofa.
the space beside him is pointedly left open though in an obvious request.]
Mick came to see me before he left. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner.
the space beside him is pointedly left open though in an obvious request.]
Mick came to see me before he left. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner.
[Len sits on the sofa and reaches for Barry, tugging the younger man against his chest and wrapping both arms around him possessively. As far as he's concerned, Barry owes him about two months worth of cuddles, and he's not going to be stingy about collecting.
Mick and Lisa being gone is lonely, but it's not the worst thing. They both talked to him before they left, and he knows they're back home, doing their thing, and waiting for him to catch up. That's fine. It's not the same as the way Barry left, and he had to suffer under the knowledge that Len had lost one of the best things in his life.
He rests his chin on the top of Barry's head and nods]
Yeah, yeah, I know you're sorry about a lot of things. You said you've got some ridiculous idea in your head that you don't deserve me. So talk. What've you done that's so evil that you think a guy like me is going to turn away?
Mick and Lisa being gone is lonely, but it's not the worst thing. They both talked to him before they left, and he knows they're back home, doing their thing, and waiting for him to catch up. That's fine. It's not the same as the way Barry left, and he had to suffer under the knowledge that Len had lost one of the best things in his life.
He rests his chin on the top of Barry's head and nods]
Yeah, yeah, I know you're sorry about a lot of things. You said you've got some ridiculous idea in your head that you don't deserve me. So talk. What've you done that's so evil that you think a guy like me is going to turn away?
[curling up against len's side-- it's easier. it means he doesn't have to look the other man in the eye when he answers. it also means he's free to enjoy the contact while it lasts. to settle in for the time being and try to relax a little. it'd be a task much easier to complete if they were talking about anything else though.]
I went back in time to save my mom, and I ended up creating a whole new timeline. But everything started going wrong and I had to-- Eobard Thawne, he-- I had to beg the man who killed my mom to go back in time and do it all over again.
[but that's only the start of it. it's also the one detail he hasn't shared with anybody else yet. but of all the people here, he knows that len will understand just how big of a deal that is. family matters.]
It was meant to fix everything. It should've put it all back to normal again. But now my best friend's brother is dead, and my other friend is a metahuman, and it's all my fault.
[and then there's savitar, and the dominators, and a whole slew of other issues that he hasn't even touched on yet. this is why he knows he doesn't deserve anything that len is offering him here.]
I ruined everyone's lives because I was selfish. And now I can't fix any of it.
I went back in time to save my mom, and I ended up creating a whole new timeline. But everything started going wrong and I had to-- Eobard Thawne, he-- I had to beg the man who killed my mom to go back in time and do it all over again.
[but that's only the start of it. it's also the one detail he hasn't shared with anybody else yet. but of all the people here, he knows that len will understand just how big of a deal that is. family matters.]
It was meant to fix everything. It should've put it all back to normal again. But now my best friend's brother is dead, and my other friend is a metahuman, and it's all my fault.
[and then there's savitar, and the dominators, and a whole slew of other issues that he hasn't even touched on yet. this is why he knows he doesn't deserve anything that len is offering him here.]
I ruined everyone's lives because I was selfish. And now I can't fix any of it.
[When Barry began speaking and explained that he had gone back to save his mother, Len was about to point out that he had done the same thing, but Barry continued. He bit his tongue and listened, frowning faintly. Mainly, he hears the pain and guilt that Barry feels - for going back and murdering his mother again after having saved her, and trying and failing to fix everything, but winding up making some people's lives worse.]
Okay, you fucked up. [He sighs and rubs Barry's back] You know the first thing I did when I went on the Waverider? I went back to my old house, and tried to change my own history so my father never got caught stealing the Maximillian Emerald. And you know what? If it had worked, and I caused a disaster by changing the timeline, I wouldn't have cared. Not one bit. Because unlike you, I'm a selfish bastard.
[He draws a breath and lets it out] Barry, the fact that you're so upset about this just proves what we all know - that you're the best kind of person. It's not bad to occasionally think about yourself. You're just a special person, so the mistakes happen in a bigger way. You wanted to save your family.
Okay, you fucked up. [He sighs and rubs Barry's back] You know the first thing I did when I went on the Waverider? I went back to my old house, and tried to change my own history so my father never got caught stealing the Maximillian Emerald. And you know what? If it had worked, and I caused a disaster by changing the timeline, I wouldn't have cared. Not one bit. Because unlike you, I'm a selfish bastard.
[He draws a breath and lets it out] Barry, the fact that you're so upset about this just proves what we all know - that you're the best kind of person. It's not bad to occasionally think about yourself. You're just a special person, so the mistakes happen in a bigger way. You wanted to save your family.
[as far as he's concerned, there's still a difference there. len hadn't time traveled before. so having sudden access to that ability, it makes sense that he'd want to use it for himself. for him though, it wasn't something new. he'd already learned the hard way just what could happen if you tried to change time. but that hadn't stopped him. hadn't even made him hesitate before heading back to stop thawne.]
So because I wanted to save my family, it's okay to destroy Cisco's?
[his voice is bitter, angry at himself for all of this. for being selfish in the first place. he really should have known better.]
So because I wanted to save my family, it's okay to destroy Cisco's?
[his voice is bitter, angry at himself for all of this. for being selfish in the first place. he really should have known better.]
You're asking me to make a moral judgment? I'm saying I don't think it makes you a bad guy to make a mistake, or do something selfish once in a while, Scarlet. But don't take it from me. I'm a con man.
[His arms tighten around Barry] If you're worried my feelings about you are gonna change because you did something bad, don't be. Remember who I am? You'll always have a place in the Rogues, especially if you turn to the Dark Side.
[His arms tighten around Barry] If you're worried my feelings about you are gonna change because you did something bad, don't be. Remember who I am? You'll always have a place in the Rogues, especially if you turn to the Dark Side.
[ Of all the things to get Len to groan, Spock wasn't expecting it to be a simple phrase.
Humans. ] I have said before, I am not a human infant.
[ But he obliges, removing his fingers and shifting so he can apply more lubrication to his own erection. That done, he settles between Len's legs, stretching out over him, guiding his penis inside. ]
Humans. ] I have said before, I am not a human infant.
[ But he obliges, removing his fingers and shifting so he can apply more lubrication to his own erection. That done, he settles between Len's legs, stretching out over him, guiding his penis inside. ]
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