[Len's hand drops away when Barry sits back. Easier for him? Clearly Barry hasn't noticed the sheer terror Len feels, not to mention the kaleidoscope of other emotions. If it were easier for him, then he wouldn't have gotten so angry.
He sighs.]
Barry... I really don't understand. You've never seemed like you're jealous of Sara or Mick. I don't care if you're in love with someone else or fucking someone else, either.
[That's kindof a lie, but one whose truth he's just going to bury down deep. He's not going to murder anyone for being his competition, even if on some level he might like to a little.]
You...you said you loved me, but then you left. You said you had to work through things with your father, and you couldn't do that at the Gallery. That's fine. I figured because of our history and the way you were acting that we were done. But now you're calling me, I...
[He's clearly struggling, trying to voice emotions when that's something he's always kept up walls against. Len feels so passionately, and he knows that makes him weak. Vulnerable.]
Barry, do you get that, before you, before here...it's never been like this for me? I had Mick, but that's like...like we would fuck or maybe we wouldn't, or maybe we were fighting, but it was all basically the same. You... you're different. To me. And you claimed I'm so important to you, but you left without thinking about me at all.
[He draws a breath and lets it out, steeling himself.] Don't think that means I don't want you back. That's the problem. I'd freeze the world to get you back. I'd kill a thousand people if they stood between you and me. But if this is just not that important to you, then you're just gonna rip me apart again, and I'd rather be alone the rest of me life than to keep on feeling the way this felt. You... you have a power over me. That's not something I allow. Do you get that?
...not complaining isn't the same and not being jealous.
[but that isn't the part he knows he needs to focus on. not in the face of a revelation like the one that len's just given him. he'd known, of course, that len cared about him. (or at least had in the time before barry messed everything up.) but he had no idea just how far that went. hadn't wanted to even guess, just in case he was completely wrong.
and now it's laid out in front of him. now, there's no way to pretend that it isn't true. that his feelings weren't echoed, regardless of the words used.
he's on his feet a moment later, lips pressed to len's in a kiss that's equal parts desperation and apologetic. his grip on len tightens all over again, pulling him as close as the man will allow. they may not be able to verbally express their feelings the same way, but the sentiment is still there anyway. still heard and understood.]
I don't want this to be over. But I can't pretend that nothing's changed. I ruined everything when I went back, and now I'm back here again and I'm not the same person I was before. And...this is really not the way I wanted this to go. I'm sorry.
[Len wasn't expecting the kiss, but he catches Barry as the speedster throws himself at him, and then their lips are pressed together. He's stiff only for a moment, then his lips warm to the kiss, and his arms tighten, bringing Barry in close.
He feels the desperation and affection in the kiss, and yet Barry's still using that word he is starting to hate - "But".
His eyes narrow at Barry, but his arms don't loosen.] What do you want, Barry? You called me to apologize. Did you do that only because you figured I wouldn't forgive you, just to assuage your conscience before you move on? Or do you want me back?
What I want... [a pause to swallow, and he leans back enough to look properly at len again.] I want to earn you back.
[it's another quiet admission. a conclusion that he'd taken time to work towards. keeping away had helped, of course. but it had also meant he'd had little reason to change his ultimate feelings about all this. as much as he may still care about len, may still love him, things are far more complicated now. he knows it's impossible for them to fall back in to their old patterns again.]
I've done a lot of bad things in the past couple of years. I've hurt a lot of people who really matter to me.
[it may have all been accidental, but he's still the one who's ultimately responsible for it all. if he'd just thought for a few minutes. had just looked beyond his own feelings. changing time has always had unforeseen consequences. he really should've known better.
a sigh, and he scrubs at his face, hand passing through his hair as he finally forces out the last of what he knows he needs to say.]
Len, I love you. I don't think I know how to stop that. But I know I'm not good enough for you. After everything I've done-- You deserve so much better than me.
[Len stares at him, utterly flabbergasted. And perhaps that's the true tragedy of this pairing, because Barry might not think he's good enough for Len, but that's ridiculous, because Len is certain that he's nowhere near good enough for Barry.
To hear him say something so utterly amazing, just floors Len completely, and he's left silent and staring for a long while.
When he finally responds, his voice is low and quiet]
[his head drops to rest against len's shoulder, face hidden as he tries to purposely keep his expression out of view. he's not getting it, and barry has no idea how to explain himself further. how to make len understand that, yes, he wants to do exactly as he asked. he wants to go back and pretend that things are how they used to be before he went back. but it'd all be a lie right now. he owes the other man too much to just dump everything on him later down the line.]
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to leave. But I can't just-- You need to know who I am now before you let me back in.
[he needs to know what kind of person barry is now, because he's changed. and not for the better.]
[The part of Len that's still reeling from this conversation doesn't care, but he tells that part to shut up. He doesn't want to regret it either]
Ok. Well it seems to me that I can't really get who you are now unless we spend time together. Why don't you start by telling me what you did that was so bad?
[for a long time, there's no reaction. no response given because he doesn't know where to start. the past few years have been a mess all round. between reverse flash, zoom, and savitar, he knows he could easily pass the blame off to the three of them. knows that each problem has followed in the wake of the one before. but he also knows that, ultimately, he is the one to blame for it all. he's the one who made each and every bad decision that led them to where they are now.]
Can we go back to the Gallery first?
[it's a quiet request, but one borne from the fact that the gallery is still one of the few places in the city he can be himself in. where he doesn't have to put on an act.
[between one moment and the next, the two of them are back at the gallery, and it's only the chill of the streets outside that reminds him of the fact that he's only wearing his pajamas. which is why, after a brief apologetic look, he's moving them again. it's the living room of len's apartment that serves as their final destination, and he doesn't waste any time in finding a blanket for himself that he ends up tugging around himself once he's sat on the sofa.
the space beside him is pointedly left open though in an obvious request.]
Mick came to see me before he left. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner.
[Len sits on the sofa and reaches for Barry, tugging the younger man against his chest and wrapping both arms around him possessively. As far as he's concerned, Barry owes him about two months worth of cuddles, and he's not going to be stingy about collecting.
Mick and Lisa being gone is lonely, but it's not the worst thing. They both talked to him before they left, and he knows they're back home, doing their thing, and waiting for him to catch up. That's fine. It's not the same as the way Barry left, and he had to suffer under the knowledge that Len had lost one of the best things in his life.
He rests his chin on the top of Barry's head and nods]
Yeah, yeah, I know you're sorry about a lot of things. You said you've got some ridiculous idea in your head that you don't deserve me. So talk. What've you done that's so evil that you think a guy like me is going to turn away?
[curling up against len's side-- it's easier. it means he doesn't have to look the other man in the eye when he answers. it also means he's free to enjoy the contact while it lasts. to settle in for the time being and try to relax a little. it'd be a task much easier to complete if they were talking about anything else though.]
I went back in time to save my mom, and I ended up creating a whole new timeline. But everything started going wrong and I had to-- Eobard Thawne, he-- I had to beg the man who killed my mom to go back in time and do it all over again.
[but that's only the start of it. it's also the one detail he hasn't shared with anybody else yet. but of all the people here, he knows that len will understand just how big of a deal that is. family matters.]
It was meant to fix everything. It should've put it all back to normal again. But now my best friend's brother is dead, and my other friend is a metahuman, and it's all my fault.
[and then there's savitar, and the dominators, and a whole slew of other issues that he hasn't even touched on yet. this is why he knows he doesn't deserve anything that len is offering him here.]
I ruined everyone's lives because I was selfish. And now I can't fix any of it.
[When Barry began speaking and explained that he had gone back to save his mother, Len was about to point out that he had done the same thing, but Barry continued. He bit his tongue and listened, frowning faintly. Mainly, he hears the pain and guilt that Barry feels - for going back and murdering his mother again after having saved her, and trying and failing to fix everything, but winding up making some people's lives worse.]
Okay, you fucked up. [He sighs and rubs Barry's back] You know the first thing I did when I went on the Waverider? I went back to my old house, and tried to change my own history so my father never got caught stealing the Maximillian Emerald. And you know what? If it had worked, and I caused a disaster by changing the timeline, I wouldn't have cared. Not one bit. Because unlike you, I'm a selfish bastard.
[He draws a breath and lets it out] Barry, the fact that you're so upset about this just proves what we all know - that you're the best kind of person. It's not bad to occasionally think about yourself. You're just a special person, so the mistakes happen in a bigger way. You wanted to save your family.
[as far as he's concerned, there's still a difference there. len hadn't time traveled before. so having sudden access to that ability, it makes sense that he'd want to use it for himself. for him though, it wasn't something new. he'd already learned the hard way just what could happen if you tried to change time. but that hadn't stopped him. hadn't even made him hesitate before heading back to stop thawne.]
So because I wanted to save my family, it's okay to destroy Cisco's?
[his voice is bitter, angry at himself for all of this. for being selfish in the first place. he really should have known better.]
You're asking me to make a moral judgment? I'm saying I don't think it makes you a bad guy to make a mistake, or do something selfish once in a while, Scarlet. But don't take it from me. I'm a con man.
[His arms tighten around Barry] If you're worried my feelings about you are gonna change because you did something bad, don't be. Remember who I am? You'll always have a place in the Rogues, especially if you turn to the Dark Side.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He sighs.]
Barry... I really don't understand. You've never seemed like you're jealous of Sara or Mick. I don't care if you're in love with someone else or fucking someone else, either.
[That's kindof a lie, but one whose truth he's just going to bury down deep. He's not going to murder anyone for being his competition, even if on some level he might like to a little.]
You...you said you loved me, but then you left. You said you had to work through things with your father, and you couldn't do that at the Gallery. That's fine. I figured because of our history and the way you were acting that we were done. But now you're calling me, I...
[He's clearly struggling, trying to voice emotions when that's something he's always kept up walls against. Len feels so passionately, and he knows that makes him weak. Vulnerable.]
Barry, do you get that, before you, before here...it's never been like this for me? I had Mick, but that's like...like we would fuck or maybe we wouldn't, or maybe we were fighting, but it was all basically the same. You... you're different. To me. And you claimed I'm so important to you, but you left without thinking about me at all.
[He draws a breath and lets it out, steeling himself.] Don't think that means I don't want you back. That's the problem. I'd freeze the world to get you back. I'd kill a thousand people if they stood between you and me. But if this is just not that important to you, then you're just gonna rip me apart again, and I'd rather be alone the rest of me life than to keep on feeling the way this felt. You... you have a power over me. That's not something I allow. Do you get that?
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[but that isn't the part he knows he needs to focus on. not in the face of a revelation like the one that len's just given him. he'd known, of course, that len cared about him. (or at least had in the time before barry messed everything up.) but he had no idea just how far that went. hadn't wanted to even guess, just in case he was completely wrong.
and now it's laid out in front of him. now, there's no way to pretend that it isn't true. that his feelings weren't echoed, regardless of the words used.
he's on his feet a moment later, lips pressed to len's in a kiss that's equal parts desperation and apologetic. his grip on len tightens all over again, pulling him as close as the man will allow. they may not be able to verbally express their feelings the same way, but the sentiment is still there anyway. still heard and understood.]
I don't want this to be over. But I can't pretend that nothing's changed. I ruined everything when I went back, and now I'm back here again and I'm not the same person I was before. And...this is really not the way I wanted this to go. I'm sorry.
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He feels the desperation and affection in the kiss, and yet Barry's still using that word he is starting to hate - "But".
His eyes narrow at Barry, but his arms don't loosen.] What do you want, Barry? You called me to apologize. Did you do that only because you figured I wouldn't forgive you, just to assuage your conscience before you move on? Or do you want me back?
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[it's another quiet admission. a conclusion that he'd taken time to work towards. keeping away had helped, of course. but it had also meant he'd had little reason to change his ultimate feelings about all this. as much as he may still care about len, may still love him, things are far more complicated now. he knows it's impossible for them to fall back in to their old patterns again.]
I've done a lot of bad things in the past couple of years. I've hurt a lot of people who really matter to me.
[it may have all been accidental, but he's still the one who's ultimately responsible for it all. if he'd just thought for a few minutes. had just looked beyond his own feelings. changing time has always had unforeseen consequences. he really should've known better.
a sigh, and he scrubs at his face, hand passing through his hair as he finally forces out the last of what he knows he needs to say.]
Len, I love you. I don't think I know how to stop that. But I know I'm not good enough for you. After everything I've done-- You deserve so much better than me.
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[Len stares at him, utterly flabbergasted. And perhaps that's the true tragedy of this pairing, because Barry might not think he's good enough for Len, but that's ridiculous, because Len is certain that he's nowhere near good enough for Barry.
To hear him say something so utterly amazing, just floors Len completely, and he's left silent and staring for a long while.
When he finally responds, his voice is low and quiet]
You're insane. Come back to me.
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I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to leave. But I can't just-- You need to know who I am now before you let me back in.
[he needs to know what kind of person barry is now, because he's changed. and not for the better.]
I don't want you to regret taking me back.
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Ok. Well it seems to me that I can't really get who you are now unless we spend time together. Why don't you start by telling me what you did that was so bad?
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Can we go back to the Gallery first?
[it's a quiet request, but one borne from the fact that the gallery is still one of the few places in the city he can be himself in. where he doesn't have to put on an act.
it's still home.]
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Len nods and braces himself for one of Barry's speed runs.]
Yeah. It's been quiet there lately. Having you there will liven the place up again.
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the space beside him is pointedly left open though in an obvious request.]
Mick came to see me before he left. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner.
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Mick and Lisa being gone is lonely, but it's not the worst thing. They both talked to him before they left, and he knows they're back home, doing their thing, and waiting for him to catch up. That's fine. It's not the same as the way Barry left, and he had to suffer under the knowledge that Len had lost one of the best things in his life.
He rests his chin on the top of Barry's head and nods]
Yeah, yeah, I know you're sorry about a lot of things. You said you've got some ridiculous idea in your head that you don't deserve me. So talk. What've you done that's so evil that you think a guy like me is going to turn away?
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I went back in time to save my mom, and I ended up creating a whole new timeline. But everything started going wrong and I had to-- Eobard Thawne, he-- I had to beg the man who killed my mom to go back in time and do it all over again.
[but that's only the start of it. it's also the one detail he hasn't shared with anybody else yet. but of all the people here, he knows that len will understand just how big of a deal that is. family matters.]
It was meant to fix everything. It should've put it all back to normal again. But now my best friend's brother is dead, and my other friend is a metahuman, and it's all my fault.
[and then there's savitar, and the dominators, and a whole slew of other issues that he hasn't even touched on yet. this is why he knows he doesn't deserve anything that len is offering him here.]
I ruined everyone's lives because I was selfish. And now I can't fix any of it.
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Okay, you fucked up. [He sighs and rubs Barry's back] You know the first thing I did when I went on the Waverider? I went back to my old house, and tried to change my own history so my father never got caught stealing the Maximillian Emerald. And you know what? If it had worked, and I caused a disaster by changing the timeline, I wouldn't have cared. Not one bit. Because unlike you, I'm a selfish bastard.
[He draws a breath and lets it out] Barry, the fact that you're so upset about this just proves what we all know - that you're the best kind of person. It's not bad to occasionally think about yourself. You're just a special person, so the mistakes happen in a bigger way. You wanted to save your family.
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So because I wanted to save my family, it's okay to destroy Cisco's?
[his voice is bitter, angry at himself for all of this. for being selfish in the first place. he really should have known better.]
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[His arms tighten around Barry] If you're worried my feelings about you are gonna change because you did something bad, don't be. Remember who I am? You'll always have a place in the Rogues, especially if you turn to the Dark Side.